Forever Rescued

isaiah

 

These past 3 months have been super tough.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has supported, held, and carried me through a lot of darkness.

My feelings of everything has come in waves.  I’d like to think I’m handling it all very well, but am I really?

In the past 3 months I have endured a major surgery with a long recovery, that alone can cause depression.
I have ended an almost 2 year relationship, which was for the best, but still was very emotionally taxing.
In that same moment, I have moved away and am now living with my family until I find a place to call home in OKC again.
 (Don’t get me wrong, I am forever grateful for having such a wonderful family that moved me when I was on crutches and let me stay with them, invading their space.)

I am currently not working, although I do still have my job that I will be going back to in a few weeks.  Money is tight, so that leads to extra stress.  I also have been privileged to have great friends who let me sleep in their guest rooms while I attend physical therapy.

I am a ball of stress.  Again, I like to think that I’m good and that I can handle anything that comes my way.  I am not under the illusion that my life is the worst in the world.  I know that I am beyond blessed and every day people die and are hungry, homeless, beaten, and broken.  However, in my tiny little world inside of this big nasty world, this matters to me and has been hard to deal with.

I want to believe everything will be okay and for the most part, I think it will.  This is the part where I believe I am being strengthened and supported, but carried when it gets too rough.

I know that this is all just another bump in life’s road and that there will be more to come.  It’s a great comfort to me to know that once again, He will be there, holding me up and forever rescuing me from myself and this wretched world.

2014 Goals

I decided to post some goals I have for 2014 instead of whine about my body today.  This way, I hope I can go back to them when I’m feeling low and look ahead instead of where I am.

1. Run – Whether it be 1 mile or 10 miles, if I can just run any miles without pain, I will be happy.

2. Buy a home – I have never been settled.  I have moved SO many times, even more than this list.  This goal might not actually come until the beginning of 2015 because this year I will be needing to…

3. Save Money – I don’t even want to tell you how much I’ve spent in medical bills this year.  Even with hitting my maximum out of pocket on my insurance and having to pay out of pocket for physical therapy every visit because my insurance only covers $2000 worth of it.  (By the way if you don’t know how much that is in actual physical therapy visits, it’s about 12-13 visits, 9 which I was required to do before surgery so that left me with very little.), my actual income and savings have dwindled to a new low.  Plus being off work 3 months doesn’t help.

4. Pay off Student Loans – I don’t have much left, but they’ve been lingering and I’d rather get them out of my sight.

5. Get Back in Shape- I guess this goes along with running, but I would like to start working out in the gym again and losing the weight that I put on during this 2 year long ordeal.  I’m not doing this for you, or for her, or for those people over there, or anybody but just for myself.

6. Adopt another dog– Dexter needs a brother or a sister.  There are so many poor dogs that have been abandoned and need a good home.  I can’t imagine what would’ve happened to my precious Dexter boy (or me) if I didn’t get him when I did.

On that note, I leave you with a collection of Dexter pictures for your viewing pleasure.
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Deep Breath

I got my cortisone/lidocaine injection in my right hip joint Friday.  It’s still too early to see if it’ll be effective, sometimes it takes up to 72 hours to see any benefit, if all.  My pain was at a 0 for about the first 3 hours (which I think was thanks to the lidocaine.)  My groin pain came back, but my anterior hip pain has yet to return.

They use this injection to see if the pain is originating from the hip joint.  If it relieves the pain, then it’s coming from the hip joint, if it doesn’t relieve it, it may be from somewhere else.  However, I have read from many accounts that it isn’t completely accurate, just another diagnostic tool and it appeases the insurance to show you’ve done all the conservative measures possible.

Physical Therapy is aggravating my hip still, I’ve cut back to once a week because my insurance isn’t covering a lot of visits.  Another stressor.

Speaking of stressors, on top of my likely stomach ulcer, my back pain, vomiting & fever from last week was not related to that…
After my injection, I had to go to Urgent Care because of my back pain and frequent urination.  Turns out I have WBCs and RBCs in my urine which is indicative for an infection and apparently has caused me to have renal colic and a kidney infection.

Now I’m on antibiotics, which exacerbates my acid reflux because I have to take them on an empty stomach.

When it rains, it pours.  I am really having a hard time staying positive and being happy.  I find myself at times, not taking deep enough breaths, almost like I’m holding it.  Then I take a big deep breath and I relax, if only for a moment.

Don’t get me wrong, it is NOT lost on me that I could be so much worse off.  Sometimes I think maybe God is giving these minor annoyances (they are awful now, but minor in the grand scheme of things), to put things into perspective in my life.

I got so consumed with my hip pain, the imminent surgery, and time off work/finances that it overtook every thought, 24/7.  I never really truly looked to God for this burden.  I took on the brunt of dealing with it, and believe me it doesn’t go well when you try and do it all on your own.  I’m thinking these new onsets of infection and ulcers is God’s way of saying, “Look, this is fixable.  It may not be immediately and it may take awhile to recover.  You are not alone, but life is worth living and you have the ability to overcome this.”

Cheesy or not, it’s really helped me and comforted me in this depressing time.

I look at this scripture (it’s paraphrased) multiple times a day, and the reassurance it brings me is just what I need.
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Where Have You Been?

Okay.  So it’s March 2013 and I have not posted a thing since October 2012.  If my calculations are correct, that means there has been 4 months of absolute nothingness on this blog.  I have not fallen off the face of the earth. and I really haven’t been THAT busy, so there are no excuses.

So what’s up?
– I have not been running.  (see below.)
– I have not been eating string cheese.
– I am still working day shift.
– I finally got diagnosed with a hip labral tear. *gasp*
– Minor flare up of Crohn’s Disease.

Here’s the thing.  I am a worrier.  I worry about every little thing that has happened and that could possibly happen.  With this whole hip thing coming into view, I struggle with not dealing with my stress because I physically cannot run it off.  So then I worry about my hip and I worry about money and I worry about time off work and I worry about how I’m going to go back to work after the imminent surgery and it just spirals out of control… What happens next?  I have a Crohn’s flare up, which I haven’t had in quite awhile.  It takes me out of work for 2 weeks, which I’m already stressed out about money and I don’t get PTOs, so then it spirals out of control again.

See the vicious cycle?

I’m learning to control my stress and worry, but it doesn’t come easy.  

I am hoping to start writing about my journey with this hip labral tear, because there really isn’t that much stuff about it.  I want to help people who are going through the same thing as I am, because so many others have helped guide me.

You may have heard about Lady Gaga’s hip injury, turns out she has a labral tear just as I do.  This brings some attention to the fact that this issue is real and not some made up pain that people with FAI and labral tears are talking about.

Enough on that, there will be plenty of more posts about it.

Almost to the one year anniversary with Nicholas, and it’s been going well.  Dexter loves him too, so that’s always a plus.
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Freaking Fantastic Friday

Last night was the end of my night shift career.  I’m not going to lie, I was pretty sad because I am going to miss my night shift crew.  I’m going to miss the sort of “laid back” atmosphere it has.  I am actually kind of nervous to go to day shift, because I’ve never worked day shift in my 3 1/2 years of nursing.  It will definitely be a busier and different kind of shift, but I’m ready to feel normal.  I think I forgot what it was like to not be tired.

Things that have caught my eye on the Interwebs:
These girls are amazing, I can’t wait to see more of their videos.  There is something so pure in their voices, I hope fame doesn’t corrupt them.

 30 Black & White Photos That Will Haunt Your Dreams (No Joke)

10 Words You Need To Stop Misspelling

And now here is picture of my cute dog… Have a good weekend!

 

Sexy Catamarans

What in the world does my title mean?  Well, since you asked…

It’s fun to see what people search to get to my website and with my “Site Statistics” I’m able to see that.  It’s really interesting to see what stuff people are searching for and it makes me wonder who these people are…

Most popular searches that lead to my site in September:

“String Cheese Runner”

“Serge Ibaka”

“Ryan Hall”

“Meeting Brandon Boyd”

“Funny Zumba”
(I’m not sure why that brings people here a lot?)

“Aspaeris Shorts”

“Running Hip Injury”

The funniest/most interesting search terms in September:

“Gay Bears”
(Thanks to my Alicia Silverstone post awhile back.)

“What to tell my boss to get on day shift”
(Well don’t lie, just be honest)

“String Cheese Diarrhea”
(The story of my life.)

annnnnnd my favorite…

“Catamaran porn”

First of all, I don’t know why this brings people here, except maybe my post about being on a catamaran in the Cayman Islands.  Second of all, this has been typed in multiple times on different days, who and why are they looking for this?  Never mind, I don’t know want to know.

Soooo not to disappoint the people who end up on my website wanting this, here are some sexy beasts on a catamaran.
You’re welcome.

What are some funny search terms that led people to your website? 

Bathing in Blood & Cleaning Poop…That’s My Job.

I think some people have this glamorous idea of nursing when they start nursing school.  You’ll make a ton of money, you’ll be respected by all, it’s cake work, and you practically go to work in pajama-like clothing (<—that’s what sold me.)   When you get into the nursing field, you realize that it’s the opposite.

There aren’t that many perks of nursing, and let me also assure you, I don’t spend my time all Grey’s Anatomy/flirting with coworkers/eating in the cafeteria… even though it DOES happen.  It’s really hard sometimes and that’s coming from someone who works in an awesome hospital that treats employees, patients, and family like actual people and not just money.

For a good part of the time you are under appreciated by patients and their families, belittled by doctors, rare bathroom breaks, shoveling food down your throat, working 12 hour shifts, dealing with a great deal of other’s bodily fluids such as blood, snot, vomit, and lots of poop, and charting charting charting.
 You do get the reward of being appreciated sometimes, helping to save someone’s life, having a great team to work with, and a lot of days off in a row (if scheduled right.)

The thing is, I’ve seen people that graduate from nursing school or just other nurses that got into it for the wrong reasons.  If you don’t love your job, or at least enjoy it a little, then you’re in the wrong profession and you need to leave.  I’ve learned you cannot make people genuinely care about other people, and that’s a HUGE part of our job.  I’ve had coworkers that I wouldn’t let near my family member if they were in the hospital because I know they wouldn’t give two shits about them.source

Real life Nursing:

Your patient is screaming curse words at you and climbing out of bed, and you’ve only been at work an hour.

Your patient is uncontrollably vomiting and having liquid stools to the point of where it’s dripping out of the bed.

Your patient is on the call light every 15 minutes for 12 hours wanting to get out of the bed and into the chair, walk the halls, go to the bathroom, along with being rude to you the entire time, and you have two more patients to care for.source

I just encourage anyone that is getting into the medical field to research your career that you want to pursue, shadow a nurse for a couple of days, and talk to someone who works in that field.  I’ve seen too many people who get into it “for the money” when in reality, the pay isn’t that great for the amount of things you do.  You have to love your job and care about the well being of others.  If not, you will be a miserable person.  (This goes for anybody in any field for that matter.)

It’s not easy, but a lot of jobs aren’t easy either.  I do love my job and I love getting to care for people who need me. I just want other who get into this field to feel the same or at least have something to give of themselves.

I’ll get off my soapbox now, thanks for listening.